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Monday, January 08, 2007

Not forgotten..

I was unaware that in the midst of the chaos of the civil war that there is still someone out there who knows my existence and it sort of gave me a pleasant surprise.
Fuzzy by the suddenness of it, I was really taken by surprise when it came.
Let me just call him the MelancholicGuy...yeah, he's always in depression and snappy most of the time. And recently he seems to like the word Melancholic a lot; using it in his IM statuses for some time....*he's usually quite creative with his slogans for the day and thus, I usually see it...don't think I am some kind of perks who have nothing else better to do than to spy on people's statuses lar...*

Anyway, MelancholicGuy sort of made a bad start with me...although, as I later found out, it was never really his fault; he was just that way in personality and character. He has this air of pessimism and negative vibes around him which caused him constant depression and he just keeps to himself, grumbling and whining that the whole world seems to fail on him and that everything works the wrong way and that everyone and everything is black in colour. Yeah, he was in some kind of serious depression and he does, he told me himself before, that he was undergoing treatment and professional attention to his condition.
So, back to how I got to know him...he was some sorta my colleague (*I will choose not to reveal too much of details*) and he was assigned as my buddy....(it was our company's policy that each newly hired are assigned a senior to guide them in adapting to the environment and also sort of a mentor in understanding the job scope and in raising/advising any queries or doubts).
MelancholicGuy became my buddy and man, I was taken aback by his sarcasm...(yeah, I know we have been dealing with all those sarcasms with my fun gang back in KL) BUt this was like real pinching sarcasms and really pricky to the core. He sounded so snappy that initially I had this fear of him; whether to talk to him or not...as I am not sure when will he be in good mood or not. You know Grumpy, the seventh dwarf in Snow White? The one who always folds his arms and puts on a sour look? Yeah...that's a similar comparison....

Not to exaggerate over it, but to an extent, he was like that. And, on top of it, MelancholicGuy had to rub it in further by regularly picking on me; almost always on my case - no matter what I do....it always seem so low down and not good enough for his standards.
I was a little hurt but then all of a sudden, the truth about him dawned upon me when he told me about his predicament...he has been struggling with his personality changes and also mood inversion from time to time...in fact, he tried to be pleasant and he just wants to be cool....to be hanging out with those happening people...to be ...just KNOWN and acknowledged.
That was the reason behind all his weird behaviour and in always coming up with smart(or so as he thinks) comeback lines to answer everyone..(including the managers) and he takes pride in it.... (to me, it's just plain sick and insecure*)
But anyway, after that, he sort of softened down and told me that he hoped that someone could sort of help him out to be more positive...and also neutralize/tone him down a little.
And I told him as well, that I could help as well as I noticed that he was not just inflicting those negative vibes of his unto himself but also at the same time creating a very gloomy environment with people around him.
In fact, I told him honestly that he freaked me out as he was constantly so snappy and unhappy with everything.
Then, I found out about something else...he was eager to make an impression on me that he is one cool guy for some reason...

Anyway, eventually, I tried but gave up as well as he just refused to change and I told him that perhaps being himself but gradually reflecting and changing may work better. You can't expect to change overnight...and yeah, he somehow went back to his old ways...

We don't really talk a lot at work....sort of those non-talking types...in fact, we just know of each other's existence but we don't really talk...unless work required. He does IM me once in a while to ask for assistance or clarification on certain topics and this could further lead to engaging conversations but that's it. He is really a loner and introvert; prefers to keep to himself and that everyone is just there for the sake of existence.
But one note; he loves writing his codes (programming) and he's good...admit it, he spent hours and he's really utilized his time on building that competency and skill for himself.
He reads a lot too....and is technically very knowledgeable...impressive.
In fact, I would have appreaciate a reader like him to give me feedbacks and read those sarcastic feedbacks but sometimes, too much negativity really creates the gloom and sadness.....so, not to be biased, but I think I will still select my blog readers.

During the times of crisis....with all the surfacing of those office politics and issues with "those" poeple...rather, 2 instigator of which caused the whole working group to fall apart and gone into those respective boundary and keepout zones(design jargon).....he was suddenly close with them; yeah...they resorted to building their influence through involving everyone around them to be in their ally and plotting the conspiracy against us.....basically just 2 of us.
(* If you think this is exaggeration, well, it's actually more complicated than that...perhaps I will talk about it here one day....*)
So, it's like those 2 cliques and packs kind of thing and really, it's like ruling kingdoms by tyranny and different rulers.
He suddenly became sociable and so does the 2 ladies (in fact, one of them barely joins in any activities before this...yeah, another one who prefers to stay at home with her pets and partner rather than going out or even participating in company activities which are compulsory and yet, she doesn't care a bit). Yes, that's how problematic my working group was before that...but they all suddenly became such good friends and starting hanging out together...for such obvious reasons...getting back at us and intentionally showing us that they are isolating us...and to make us feel so bad over it....*childish*

I already got so immune to it and find it pointless to even dwell in the unhappiness of being victimized by their constant perceptions, suspicions, assumptions and vicious accusations and gossips flying around and therefore, I drew my line (yeah, it took me so much courage to be able to do it) and also built my own castle walls and zone to keep them out of whatever I am doing.
Therefore, I have also built the blocks and barriers to have them out of my life...and I assumed that MelancholicGuy's just one of them....whom I will basically just exchange professional demeanours and words with them....ahhhh, the cold blooded office protocols...since they want it that way, I'll just do it that way.
I am not as mean and low down to spread other rumours or try to clean myself from those accusations; it's just the same and pointless.....so, I will do it the positive way, try to be friends with them and if that didn't work, we will just be professional colleagues and there's that...period.

And, all of a sudden, out of the blue, yesterday, while I was busy at my desk drafting some engineering requirements document for a project, MelancholicGuy pinged me on the Office Communicator....as usual, without the opening of any friendly greeting, he just lashed his question
MelancholicGuy: Are you in KM this Wed?
Angelstar: Yes
Angelstar: Can I help you?
*Initially, I thought he wanted to talk to me and clarify on one of the projects that I am working on as he is currently dealing with tools and I deal with designs which may require the usage of those softwares to do it. I used to be the expert in supporting customers with those design software when I was in the same group as him but my recent change in job scope as a hard core design engineer and coordinator converted me to be the user instead of the internal support/developer group...so, in other words, I am now his customer....and so, I thought he might want to understand more on the design technology which he can rectify or program his software to work towards that capability*
Thus, I was prepared to respond in a very technical and formal way....
MelancholicGuy: When is your birthday? It's soon right?
Angelstar: HUH????
MelancholicGuy: Isn't that on xxxx?
Angelstar: *Shocked emoticon*....ermmmm, yes...
MelancholicGuy: Oh, so I am right then.I remembered it was sometime then and not sure whether I remembered the correct date
Angelstar: Okay...thanks for remembering. Didn't expect you to remember.
MelancholicGuy: Uhhh...so are you in KM on that day?
Angelstar: Yes, I am. I am usually in KM on 2 specific days of the week; following my core group.
MelancholicGuy: Uh huh...coz I got you something. I will pass it to you or I can leave it on your desk...
Angelstar: Ermmm...I will be here...
Angelstar: By the way, thanks for remembering and you really don't have to....
Then, DIng....I had to disconnect and run off to another meeting.....

But it still hit me that MelancholicGuy kept it in his mind my birthday...something which I just couldn't get it...
MelancholicGuy actually remembered my birthday!!!?? Is that for real....all of a sudden...all my resolution to become more cold-blooded and practical to draw the line turned weak...and I was really touched that despite all those chaos that they were trying to stir, there is still one who was unperturbed by it and yet, treats me in the same way...it felt really nice and all of a sudden, the world seemed bright.....
Guess I was also wrong in the same way for having formed such an unfair assumption and judgement against him....no matter what the reason...I always keep in mind whatever I read...
"Judge not and you will not be judged"....
I guess I was really absorbed in the incident and that I have been so distracted and confused that I really didn't know who to believe in anymore.....
But then, again, this did indeed prove that not everyone is judgmental....he may have been brainwashed (or attempted at) or misled by those instigators, but he was indifferent which showed that he was mature enough to make his own judgment call (I used to think that he was kinda childish and immature in all his rebellious ways...)....I guess he has really changed and grown up over time.

Perhaps...it just goes well, that in such a distressing situation...there's still some light there for me....and just when I thought that everyone is closing their doors, there is still a window open....
A quote that I liked; When God closes the door, somehow he opens the window.....
So......no matter how bad the situation may be, there's always a positive side to look at it and it all depends on you...how you want it to turn out to be....do not let the situation control you but rather, be wise to control and take charge....which is what I have been doing.....and I am not letting it affect me mentally and emotionally....just that, it does takes 2 hands to clap and without reciprocation, I should just be happy that I already took the first step:)
And I will continue to pray...whether they like me or not...how cruel they are to me...when will they come to their senses and see light...and so on....for their happiness...it is always good to forgive and forget.....it's a burden to carry grudge and hatred....

And thanks MelancholicGuy, you really made my day and proved that I was right to be positive about the whole situation.
I am really touched and it's definite, that Angelstar is still not forgotten.....so, let's always remember that there's always hope even when it rains.....So, go out and be happy....have a great day people!