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Monday, January 08, 2007

Chill it...

I did it...I did it...I believe I did....I mean, I almost did it.....
Today I bumped into those people again....(I really do hate it when I have to refer them like that....). Oh well, it doesn't seem like such a surprise given we were at the same location and the same side of the Earth...:p
Anyway, I bumped right at them and we were practically face to face....awkward moment; and I was like about to smile when suddenly this little thought came screaming into my mind; a piece of advice by one of my respected bosses; "Don't smile at them, let them have a taste of their own medicine...don't be too nice...let them feel how it's like when this kind of act is done unto them as well"
Oh well, I managed a small curve on my lips....somehow I felt bad despite knowing that these people caused my misery endlessly...for months and mercilessly..without even giving a short moment of thought that it was painful to another person...furthermore, imagine when the hordes of merciless and cold-blooded treatment were showered in masses onto one single soul.....huge impact.
Nevertheless, I still felt bad...I know I shouldn't have....it's just that...this isn't me...not that I imagined myself to be some kind of saint or angelic figure who always want to be nice.
I am a human being myself...I have feelings too...there are times when I am emotional, disturbed and of course, normal to be angry too. Even Jesus Christ gets angry....so, I am just a normal Angelstar who has her share of the emotions too.
But emotions are just there to pass by....when I want to do something in action, I feel guilty.
Just like this case, people around me have told me that I should just ignore them; if they don't want to be friends, then fine...leave it at that...
I shouldn't try to cling onto people who didn't want it that way....it's their right...and their freedom...and the same goes for me. If I have put in effort and it doesn't work out, I shouldn't really dwell too much onto it....I can't say I didn't try....it's what we have put in that's important, the results do not really matter.
Yeah...easier said than done....somehow, despite what they have done and also this particular person who holds the grudge, I still do not want to hate them..it's just not the right thing.
I do not want to hold grudges or make their lives miserable in return as a revenge...if I were to do that, what's the difference between me and them?
I also want to keep on trying and trying to mend the bridge...although the other end of the bridge is closing the connection.....
I am getting tired as well...yeah, I admit it....it's exhausting when your efforts are to no avail...and you always think that probably you are on the wrong...you must have done something..but in actual fact, WHAT have I done?
I didn't get them into trouble, I didn't humiliate them, I didn't isolate them, I didn't shame them,....I did nothing.....really, except that they formed a perception of me.
Another friend of mine mentioned it's probably due to the difference in background and upbringing environment and also the education background....well...it really doesn't matter anymore now.

It's really sad.....it has been a year and when those old memories flash back, I still remember knowing them; exchanging smiles and hi's whenever we meet around the corner and also those warm little teasing moments. Now, it seems that a Hi is too heavy to be left at the corner of the mouth.....*sighs*

Although it is sad that it has ended in such a situation, I will still not make it worse...in fact, I should be thankful that it has given me a tip and insight that the world is made up of people of not just diverse backgrounds and cultures; but we are also individuals with thinking and perception. We cannot change that...it is the freedom of thought and whatever they want to do should not be argued with.
I respect that; they can continue to have that in mind (since I can't do anything to change it anyway)....and in the meantime, I will continue to pray for them that they will not continuously hoard themselves with such grudges which could cause more unhappiness for them.
I pray that they will be able to find peace and joy in their daily lives...perhaps, just perhaps (as part of wishful thinking), they will be able to find that space in their hearts to let go of this...which I find is actually more entertaining rather than disturbing as it is such a small matter.
But, no matter what, the roads are never smooth; we need to learn to slip on the glitches on the pebbles and most importantly, learn that pebbles should not be trodded on and be careful that we do not cause more hurt onto ourselves as well.
Let's just chill...and let time take its course......