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Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
If you want to cry or sigh
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If you ever stray afar
there is always Angelstar :)

Monday, December 18, 2006

The FINAL Blow...

God, please forgive me for I have failed to withstand this anymore....

I am truly saddened by the series of incidents for the past months (not a short 1-2 months thing) but again and again, my patience and character have been put to test. It has been trying and I am thrown into a pool with watchful eyes with a perception and also with an inconsiderate sensitivity towards one's feeling.

I would like to share the long story with you but somehow, I have lost the heart to do so. To cut a long story short, there's people who are trying to make my life miserable and I don't know what is their problem. In the first place, the entire situation was a result of their personal insecurity and also a make up of their own mental picture/contortion to believe what they wanted to.
I am not being paranoid or conjuring my own mental picture as well but the things that they are doing are so obvious. I have been, by God's grace, quiet and patient and forgiving in the entire scenario. I constantly pray for them that they will be blessed by God to have inner peace and find happiness within their self but seems like all the efforts are in vain and fell into a dark and hollow pit.
I don't really want to put into my heart how they have been eyeing and treating me....I didn't react to them despite knowing that I really do not deserve any of those and also, on the whole picture, they definitely have no right to impose such misery or pressure on me.

I have not talked to anyone on this at all; because I do not see the need to. I even tried my hardest to amend the invisible strain with all but the invisible barrier just became wider. In fact, I find them so immature as to not understanding the whole situation and the impact it has on others and even expanded their influence to continue to harm people mentally.
I remember my dad used to tell me that mental torment is much worse than physical....(I think he was referring to stress...but anyway, they are all the same)
There was even this quote from My Fair Princess 3 that " It is not those who kills with spurting blood that scares people...but it is those who silently kill people without shedding any blood which is genuinely scary".
And now, I am in a silent murder type of situation...and Angelstar is fighting.
I am not that proud of myself to raise this self-praise but I shall say that I have been pretty tough and strong to grit my teeth through this situation.
Just today, I have yet to give up hope and smiled at this gal who just looked at me and refused to smile....yes, I am pretty sure of that, she refused to smile at me.

I really do not see what kind of thing I have done to invite all these on myself.....huh?
Another person told me that I should not be that bothered since I was not directly involved; I am more of the victim or rather the collateral damage in the entire situation.
But somehow, I don't think so.....
Fine, I accept that if they want to choose their own behaviour in that way.
However, those people refuse to let matters rest and continue their propaganda to ensure that others agree with them.

TODAY was the final blow....I was left to my wits and patience's extended limits. I was sad, hurt but at the same time, I felt strong and yes, I HATE to admit it but Angelstar's totally mad at the situation now rather than being so accepting and naive at all times.
Angelstar's MAD.....*red in the face*
I have never been so emotional in my whole entire life.....I felt so unjustly treated and finally, I am really letting out and coming out of my bottle which contains all the misery and tears I have gone through during this time.
Nothing that anyone say can reduce this level of hurt and pain that I feel now....and I really feel like publishing those creeps...no no, snakes...no, no...those RATS' photos here to show people that these were the immature and pathetic souls who do not have a sense of guilt in making others miserable.
It's not like I really want royal treatment nor the highest decree of respect BUT do you have to make me look bad?
What have I ever done that is so life-threatening or impose insecurity to your heartless souls?
Have you ever thought that I am just a helpless girl who does not need to be pushed to the wall like that?
I HATE to admit this...but Angelstar's really full of tears brimming at the edge of her eyes each time this comes to mind.....

However, I am no weak girl now. The final Blow they had on me today woke me up...I have been trampled on for too long...time to react....I will not be so softie and nice...it's when Angelstar Strikes Back!!

Perhaps, just one day, I may be able to forget all those pain and tears...BUT, that will take a lifetime.....
I did think that perhaps this is a test from God to see how much I understand the value of forgiving and forgetting BUT God My Father, I have had too much pain and too heavy the burden in my heart that I cannot really forget...Forgiving is still do-able.....please forgive me Lord:(

However, the sidekick of today (as they always say, Beneath every cloud there is always a silver lining) was that I talked to most of my friends....those old old friends....through MSN....and one of them's my BESTIE...YAY!!!...it is always good to talk to bestie and even though she was oblivious to my misery which I obviously hid very well, she did a great job by her tacky and witty comments in lifting my spirits. Also, we have an exchange of banter in opinions which we really amazed each other by the way we think of the exact same thing and saying it at the same time....freaky huh?
Then I also caught up with PG over some gathering plans....and also Father Chang aka CNN who questioned me on my blog.....and I also gave him a piece of my thoughts that it was indeed intimidating.
*Sorry if I came out harsh*
Also...there's also my new gang of "ji mui" here who really made my day and not forgetting Butchie and the Christmassy gang.....
I really appreciate their presence....despite them not knowing my present situation...but really, when I am down in the dumps and feel like the whole world's turning down on me, somehow these people will show up to remind me that they are there in my life for me at any time....and I will feel that despite that small number of morons out there, why should I worry these more important people who constantly want me to be happy and around with them?
Thanks guys and gals.....
I will survive...I don't need to be dependent on anyone to stand strong.....
Angelstar will strike back....