Why?

Why do you have to act like I owe you something?
Am I on the wrong?
Why do you have to show me you are the one in control when obviously you are in the wrong?

Why do I have to say yes to everything?
Why do I have to smile and pretend like it's all okay when it's not?

Why why why??

You are your OWN enemy

It is one thing to think and another to go ahead and do it!
Most of the time, we always stop to ponder and hesitate about the consequences of our action that we tend to let things just slip by and end up with nothing.

For instance, you may want to invest in a house or a car or perhaps, start your own business.
You get to the details, plan, check out all the potential shop lots and did your own research on what it takes to start up your own business. You even read about the success stories of Tony Fernandez, the dim sum business, Donald Trump, etc and was this close to starting the business.
Then when it came to the time to really withdraw that amount of money or even get that loan from the bank, you sort of chickened out.
You withdraw and decide, "Hey, it's a bad time now"

The economic has just taken a turn downside and you are worried about the outcome of your budding business.
Then you are also worried about the effects of the crisis on your existing job and the negative impact it will have on your life and family financial situation if you lose your job and your business doesn't work out either.
So, you decided that being normal is better and you stick to convention, to play it safe and by the rules.

This is not a made-up story nor is it a script written for a play. This is real and all, I mean each and every one of us has been through this at any point of our lives.
We have strong interests in something which fascinates us and we want to pursue BUT, there is always a BUT in there which keeps holding us back.

I love music and I want to be a musician, BUT...I don't think there is a bright future for me here
I love to go around the world, BUT...I can't spend my money just like that because I need to save for the rainy days
I love to draw cartoon characters and I would like to publish my own comic BUT...how much can a comic artist earn?
I LOVE drawing BUT artists are usually famous after they are dead
I LOVE writing and would like to publish my own book someday, BUT I don't think there will be anyone who is interested in reading my scripts in the first place.

So many I LOVE and even more BUT no!

We are not wrong to practice what we have been taught to do; to weigh the pros and cons and to understand the consequences of our actions.
It is always a thin line between what is wrong and what is right, and also definitely to the careful thinker and a pessimist.

We dream BIG; most of us do, but why are there just a handful who really made it out there?
Stop and think about it, is there really anything stopping us?
Well, once you come to it, you will realize it is a big NO.
You blame it on your parents for wanting you to study engineering or something prestigious when you wanted to do something that you like
You blame it on the society for glorifying the professions of doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc
You blame it on your good grades which made it a waste to study anything else except high profile and smart courses like engineering or medicine
You blame it on your peers and your environment that everyone is going to be shining in their jobs in the future, boasting of masters and PHDs in all the professional fields
You blame it on the demeaning attitude of the media for popularizing the already popular and the rich
You blame it on the lack of financial aid that you have to fund your ambitions
You blame it on EVERYTHING
EXCEPT
yourself

You see, the root of all that is stopping you from pursuing your dreams is none other than yourself
Yes, the answer is YOU (look at the mirror)
Your mind has been controlling you right from the start.
Your heart wants to do something, your mind goes into the rational mode and weighs all the consequences and tells your mind, NO, that cannot be done

YOU are the only barrier to achieving that dream of yours and be the next big celebrity in your own dream
YOU were all the BUTs
YOU were all the NO-s
YOU are the own's enemy, and no one else.

Face it, what is REALLY stopping you from making that next move except yourself?
If you say your parents forced you to obtain that engineering degree and because they were paying for your education, you had no choice but to do it. BUT what stopped you from finding that passion and dream after you were already an engineer? What makes you think you cannot play music or draw your heart out anymore?
If you say you were busy, well, that comes the next contributing enemy to your own self, EXCUSES!

You can be a writer, why did you think nobody wants to read your pieces?
You were the worst enemy to yourself, you were the one injecting all those bad and negative thoughts into your own mind.
Nobody told you that you were lousy but yourself.
You haven't even made the move, and you were already demeaning yourself.
Of course, no one will ever want to read your pieces or listen to that piece of song you have composed with your band, because you already think you are no good.

Most people never did live their dream despite being told repeatedly that nothing is impossible.
I can't say that risks need not be taken into consideration, but do we seriously not live in a world full of them?
What's the worst that can happen to you if really, no one is interested in your piece of art?
Or no one is interested in your business and there's no one coming to your shop?
Of course, financially, it's harmful, so perhaps, if you want to invest, start small...but do, do, make a first step!
Even a small little hawker stall can be a good start and it doesn't make you go bankrupt.

The worst that can happen to yourself?
What's the worst?

Think about it, what is the WORST thing that can happen?
So what if you fall down? So what if, touch wood, you really didn't make it the first time?
Does that make you a failure forever?
Did our first Prime Minister pass his first law exam and became recognized immediately?
No, he failed more than 5 times or should I say about 9 times before he finally got his degree.
He is our first PM alright, but does that make him more superior?
He is just human just like you and me, and God never created them extra special to be successful
We are all created in the Lord's image and we are capable

Perseverance is a must and the spirit should never just die after one try

Bring out that enemy in yourself and ask yourself, am I being my own enemy?

Of course, this is definitely not applicable to crime wannabes, I do not encourage you to take that big step to rob a bank to make it big.
I believe you know what is wrong and right, LEGALLY and ETHICALLY

Your head is not just for you to grow hair, you know (Smiles)

A World of Venetian Masks

All the world's a stage - William Shakespeare

A brilliant phrase, I must say as it describes the faces in the world in merely five words and it is undeniably true in this world of facade we are living in today.

Speaking from experience?
I can say so, as despite my infant years in the big world, the glimpse that I've had is more than what I expect and is definitely not motivating for further exploration.
Coming from a big city; or rather, a metropolitan city where I grew up in, I have been used to the tricks and street smart tips up my sleeve in order to survive there. Of course, it is also arguable that I was living in a protected environment since young where I am under the constant supervision of my parents and family; not forgetting my school teachers, well, mainly adults who seem to know it all.
When I started earning my own salary, inevitably, I have made my first baby step out of that comfort zone into another zone where I had to deal with unfamiliar faces whom I soon had to face each and every day, due to the nature of my work.

Either I was naive or I just wasn't prepared, I was hit by a wave that came all of a sudden and it took me some time to get into reality and go along and live my life. I mean, some bitching can't just ruin my entire life, and I can't allow myself to let it to either. I am not a weakling and I will not allow myself to be one.

Well, once bitten twice shy and when I am faced with new people, I tend to go back to my old self; the rather cautious and wary type. Trust became a sacred thing and I do not intend to give it away so easily after what I've been through and what I've been taught and brought up to believe in.
Again, you just can't seem to get away from politics. Just when you think things are just over, another comes up again.
It's like the waves or snowballs, that come hitting after you one following the other.

The most amazing part is, these people are such professionals that you'd never guess they are born of such nature. How often can you meet people who are so sweet that it seems so realistically true?

Whenever you think that person is (probably) sweet or kind or if the term too good to be true comes to mind, I'd warn you to be careful because these are the most vicious of the kind as they backstab without a tinge or guilt or remorse.
Sometimes, I feel they deserve an Emmy or an Oscar or something.

It is true that 'Ignorance is bliss'.
Sometimes you're better off not knowing too much, but yet, when you do know, that's when the drama sets in.
I am a person who just dislikes all these bickering and bitching. Gossips are taboo to me too; but I am not an all saint or anything like that.
Being a girl, I do share stories and enjoy hearing stories, but when things turn to the ugly part where you criticize and just de-fame another person, I tend to get really uncomfortable and that's where I want to stay away from the topic. However, things do not work so ideally. Even if you do not want harm to anyone, there is no guarantee the same be granted unto you and I have been a victim of those lashing tongues way too many times that I have lost count.
I do not know what is the matter with these people but I rather not know, perhaps it will make me happier this way, not knowing the reason to those bitching for I foresee it will always be changing, like a chameleon to suit their creativity in making up stories that pleases their own imagination.
It is somewhat pleasing and entertaining for their very own benefit.

(Lets out a big SIGH)
It is not a tough task to figure out that there are way too many masked men out there, in fact, everyone around us is wearing a mask. Not just any mask, a wholly face-covered mask as in the Venetian masks.
We change our masks when we interact with different people; sometimes I even wonder whether we do take our masks off.
One minute we can be goody two shoes or besties with someone and the next you know, we can be backstabbing huh?

*Shudders at the thought*
I am not saying I am such a noble angel or a living saint, but I can safely say that I have never warranted any intention to harm anyone at all.
What is the meaning of being successful and happy when it is constructed upon others' miseries and sufferings?
I dare not and do not want to do that.
I pray for those who have done so; perhaps they know not what they are doing.

It is a huge world out there, and as the great man, Shakespeare had said,
'All the World's a big stage'
Each and everyone of us is acting and whether we are pretending, it is known only to ourselves.

A Venetian mask, anyone?

Why am I Injured again?

I start to think that this year is a bad year for my skin's well-being..or rather, foot well-being!
The last round, I was injured - right knee
And you're right, I am injured again; this time, my left foot!

Oh my, it was supposed to be a minor abrasion; but I think it turned out really bad and these few days, I kinda dismissed the pain although I had been limping to work.
I put on a brave front and forced myself to walk without a single limp in front of my colleagues and thankfully, no one noticed!

But I couldn't hide the pain anymore and when antiseptic cream applied doesn't work anymore, I had to do something.
I went to the doctor, and initially she thought it was nothing as well....but then, she also said it may have gotten septic!

OH MY!

No injection required, but I am put on antibiotics for the prevention of further infection.

Amazingly, that wound is not huge; rather little; about 5-6 cm in length?
And yet, the pain is rather gigantic in effect!
Gosh, I am really unlucky yeah?

I grazed the foot against a huge tree trunk and I thought it was nothing major on Monday morning as I left for work.
I proceeded to work without having time to tend to the wound until after work; which was about 8-9 hours later...guess that's the key contributor to my pain now!

I was told to scrub my wound!
The doctor said, "You need to scrub your wound!"

And my selective hearing thought she said, "Did you scrub your wound?"
To which I nonchalantly replied, "No, I didn't...."
I didn't manage to finish my reply when she pounced on me almost immediately, "I said you need to scrub your wound, what do you mean you didn't! How dare you?"

Now, talk about selective hearing, and we both burst out laughing
Too bad I can't laugh anymore when I limped out of the clinic

And looked down at my wound


Is this a year of injuries and bandages?
*TOUCH WOOD*!!!

And I will raise him up

It was All Souls' Day last Sunday; on the 2nd of November - a time to commemorate our departed loved ones and all those who have been called to their rest for eternity
You may have noticed the masses of people heading to the Christian cemeteries, with bouquets of flowers and packs of candles to pay their respects to their deceased family members

It is once in a year kind of event; and it is celebrated in a rather solemn affair (after all, how extravagant do you want to remember the dead?)

This year, All Souls' Day is announced as a day of obligation, along with the celebration of All Saints' Day which falls on one day earlier
Again, solemnity clouds the minds of all as we are called upon to pray for our loved ones who have gone to their rest

The sermon by the parish priest was inspiring and sentimental; creating the effect of loss and yet the instant strength of survival.
Quote: The dead has gone, but you are still here

It was a matter that we all knew too well in our heart and funnily, we always seem to know how to console someone in grief when they have lost a loved one and yet commit the same mistake when it is our very own experience.
We always find it hard to accept the fact that someone so close to us may not be there to greet us in the morning; we even refuse to look at it that way. At such a stage, we are in denial and it is most common when the demise involves someone very very dear to us.

Death is never an easy topic to discuss nor accept; and it is hardest when it involves a tragic occurence.
A sudden death is unexpected and close family members find it hardest to accept the reality as it takes them by a storm. That does not mean that people are prepared when their family member is sick but at least, mentally, it does not take them by shock.
The passing of a young family member is also another shocking occurrence when his/her death just take place through a tragic occurrence.

Grieve if you must, as it helps with the process of dealing with the reality.
However, grief should not be permanent nor overwhelm your entire life as this is not what it is meant for. Accepting the demise is tough but your world does not revolve around one person in your life. If you love the person very dearly, it will be the same for that person.
Do not take the whole grief into your life that it will affect your surviving days.
Life is short, and it may be sad to lose that person dear to you but life has to go on.
Death is a fact; a reality that will happen to each and every of us; whether we like it or not - fear or no fear.
Everyone has a certain fear of death but it is something that we are looking at since the very day we are born into this world.
Death is like birth, it happens to everyone.
The day we are born, we are already facing the possibility of death and it can come anytime; it's inevitable.
Death does not come knocking on your door, so just deal with it and make sure you live your life that you will not regret it when your time comes.

It was truly touching as I listened to his sermon and since it was somber throughout the mass, the priest even encouraged people to cry or express their grief should they feel emotional during the prayers for their departed ones.
Keeping them in prayers for their happiness with the Lord is the only thing we can do; if we felt we have not done enough for them during their days alive.
Prayers; said sincerely, is our love shown to them and we can also ask for their forgiveness should we have wronged them or even ask for reconciliation.
Hatred and grudges should never be carried to the grave; and this is why we should always practice the way of forgiving and forgetting.
It is not easy again; but think about it, how do you feel if the last word you said to your loved one is "I HATE YOU" and find them gone the next day and you may never see them ever again?
It is always important to reconcile.

As I pray for my departed paternal grandparents, I was inspired by the quotes and sermon by the priest and though I felt a little emotional, I somehow unconsciously held back my tears.
However, when the hymn was played to the rather solemn 'The Bread of Life', I found that I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes.

This song is a pinch to my inner senses and reminds me of my paternal grandfather who passed away 14 years ago. It was the first time I experienced death in my own family; and my grandfather, though a man of few words, had always been someone I had gotten so use to seeing him around that I found it really hard when I heard the term death being associated with him.
I was young at that time, but I had already understood the term of death.

I still remember that particular day in March; it was on a Tuesday evening. It had been a few days since my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital for his surgery and he has been recuperating really well.
It was raining heavily a few minutes to 5pm; and the phone in my house rang.
I was the one who picked up the phone and I heard my uncle's voice on the other end, telling me to inform my mum that my grandfather just passed away at 5.15pm
I was stunned and I soon found my voice to shout to my mum that uncle just called to break the news. I remembered my mum looking shocked as well.
I cried immediately and not knowing what to do, I just followed my mum's instructions.
I was feeling scared at the same time but I hurried to take my bath as we will be going over to my uncle's house which will be the location of the arrival of my dear grandfather's body from the hospital.
I was taking bath, and I don't know whether it was my imagination or was it real
I saw a pair of black leather shoes standing outside my bathroom.
It was impossible, as Daddy is the only one wearing that shoe and he is still at work and he is on his way home.
Mummy was outside in the garden keeping the clothes from my line while brother was watching TV (he was a very young kid)

I stopped in shock and turned away, splashing water on myself and in a blink of an eye, the shoes disappeared and I heard my mummy in the kitchen.
Thinking back, it may be spooky but I somehow felt that probably grandpa was indeed home to say his final goodbye to me, his eldest granddaughter; probably the only one who truly understood things at that time.

It was really sad, and everyone cried during his funeral.
The last hymn we sang before sending him out to the cemetery was exactly that Bread of Life

I am the Bread of Life,
He Who Comes to me shall not Hunger
He Who believes shall not thirst
No one can come to me
Unless the Father drew him

Chorus: And I will raise him up
And I will raise him up
And I will raise him up
On the Last Day

It was truly the most memorable song to me, and the touching tune and lyrics of the hymn also reminded how heavy-hearted I was to accept the fact that my grandfather won't ever be there to smile and nod his head when I visit him.
That was when I broke down in the church; and I did not feel alone as most of the ladies around me had already been crying. I am easily moved to tears whenever I see people around me cry, but this time, the thought of my beloved grandparents and the memorable tune contributed to the tears.

I still miss them dearly (grandma has also gone to join him about 7 years ago) but I am looking back at the wonderful memories I had of them during my childhood and I know they truly loved me as their granddaughter and had always been proud of my achievements.
I have graduated, grandma and grandpa and I've found great career, thanks to your blessing and guidance. Although you can't be here to see this day or celebrate with me, I know that you are watching me from a much better place.

I have lived on, and I want to make you even more proud of me as I continuously strive for the higher levels of successes.

Grieving is inevitable as we come to terms with their death, but living on for ourselves and for their sake is much more important.
Just as Mariah Carey's touching Bye Bye, we should not look at them being gone as we know they are still up there with God; probably they are even saints already!:)

Live on; just as what Jack told Rose in Titanic - 'My Heart will Go on, you must live on'

Grieve if you must, but you still have your own life looking ahead of you.
And instead of worrying about your death, just make the best out of it and live everyday like it's going to be your last.
Most importantly, Live your Life to the fullest!!

Quarter of a Centurian

November is yet another month where I seem to have uncountable friends who chose to come to the world at this time of the year.
I have been sending text messages through my phone (God bless the bill I receive for this month!!)

And thank God for Facebook, where I could also send text messages (for free!! Of course, if you were to do the costing, that would include the electricity bill needed to run the laptop, the Streamyx fees, telephone bill, etc but those are not so 'tangible costs', at least not to me;)

Happy Birthday to everyone, Scorpions or Sagittarians...I wish you a great November birthday and for myself, a great month to burn that hole in a pocket:p

Ignore those remarks, I still treasure all my beloved friends and family members and also relatives born in this month (the list started since 3rd November until today) and the first 2 days in November were marked by the holy All Saints Day and All Souls Day respectively!

Well, as I wish an old good friend today, he made a very interesting remark...
'Thanks and we have made it to the quarter of a centurian'

Hahaha....now that's something to ponder about....it's something to be proud of, right?:)